PDA

We’re all guilty of it at some time in our lives. We’re all guilty of making fun of it at some time in our lives. At its worst it’s like a bad car wreck: you want to look away but you can’t because it somehow affects your life directly. At its best it’s like a bad car wreck: you want to look away but you can’t because it somehow affects your life directly.

Now I’m not talking about a couple holding hands or a harmless side-hug every now and then. I’m talking about that couple that frequent very frequently used walkways, who are an inch from one another’s faces and must have Berlin singing “Take My Breath Away” on some shared radio wave which only they can hear because that’s the only way they don’t realize how awkward this scene can be as dozens upon dozens of people walk by them. Not acceptable! So, what is acceptable? Let’s look at some commonly accepted PDA practices and what can make them unacceptable.

Hand holding.

Aww, cute right? They’re dating and holding hands. Fingers laced, not hands cupped. Come on we’re adults here. This is serious! This is perfectly okay. Nothing gross or “gag me with a spork” about this. That is until the hands disappear. No pockets allowed! Keep them out in the air! There’s enough sweating going on between the hands. We need to let them breathe! And whoever thought that the whole hand in the back pocket of the jeans is okay needs to be put in a potato sack with a dog, a monkey and a snake and thrown in a river.

The hug.

            Again, perfectly acceptable to a point. Not acceptable when I am able to watch the Directors Cut of “Gods and Generals” (6 and a half hours sooooo excited!) and y’all are still hugging! Also, let’s leave some room for the Holy Spirit please. Remember that hugging is how babies are made.

The kiss.

            The big one, the smack daddy of them all! We all just throw up whenever we see anyone else doing this unless it’s on a movie screen, or in a wedding, or when some kind of non-human primate is involved (that’s just hilarious). Have you ever thought about how weird kissing is? I mean really think about what you are doing. You are connecting an organ whose primary function is to mash up food for our consumption. Weird right? So really the rest of us don’t want to see you engage in this ritual. This isn’t P90X’s and O’s. No workout is needed. Quick, like a duck biting your hand. Just remember this acronym: K.I.S.S. Keep it simple stupid. No tongue or gnashing of teeth.

DISCLAIMER: Any of the rules are acceptable to be broken when purposefully grossing out the friends of your girlfriend. This has been a PDA PSA. The more you know….