The Ultimate Pokemon Lineup

So I’ve been gone for a week and a half and I can already feel your judgment being poured upon me. Sorry that I’ve left you checking each and every day, hoping and praying that I’ve posted something new only to make you feel as if your heart has been dropped into a bucket of boiling tears when you realize there is nothing new. I truly am sorry but it’s a thing called Spring Break and I celebrate such a holiday very seriously. But now I’m back and you can rejoice in the fact that there will in fact be a new post below this rambling.

So on top of all the judging I’m feeling from now posting for two weeks is the fact that the title of this post is “The Ultimate Pokemon Lineup”. Let me just tell you this you faux child of the 90’s: you are a poser who I’m pretty sure only faked their way through the decade of your childhood and you should be forced to take the place of Stoop Kid!
Anyway, in celebration of Pokemon Black and White versions coming out last Tuesday I am going to return to a simpler era; a time when ten year old children were able to roam the countryside capturing fire-breathing, flame-tailed lizards in high-tech tennis balls and battle them against turtle tanks. A time when there were only 150 of these monsters and designers weren’t trying to turn ice cream flavors and pine cones into intimidating creatures. So here it is; a Gary Oak quality lineup of awesomeness. Enough to take on the Elite Four with no Max Potions or Max Revives. Oh yeah, and NO LEGENDARIES!

1. Charizard

            The greatest of the starters! I don’t care who you are there is not a cooler Pokemon than a flying flame lizard. Charmander was my first every Pokemon. I chose him when I was but a boy of eight. Unlearned in the ways of the Pokemon and naïve as to what levels of incredible awesomeness this small lizard would become. The thing lives in active volcanoes! And what would anyone do for a holographic Charizard? I’m pretty sure there were instances of kids trading entire months of their Lunchables just to be able to hold one.

2. Rhydon

            Did you know that Rhydon was the very first Pokemon every created? Well ya do now! So how can we not have someone as awesome as Rhydon in our lineup? It’s like a combination between a rhinoceros and a dinosaur; also it’s made out of rock. Oh yeah, and it has a horn that spins like a drill! Who would want to stand in the way of Rhydon as its 6’0”, 265 pound frame comes charging at you? Not Mark Wahlberg, that’s for sure. Also, it can swim so don’t think you can get away from it just by swimming out to see. You think Jaws was scary? Hide your kids, hide your wife and hide your husbands because Rhydon will find you.

3. Raichu

            Man, Pikachu is sooooo overrated. Just because Ash woke up late he gets to be the face of the franchise? Talk about rewarding laziness. Seriously though, who would want to mess with a Raichu? A two foot tall mouse that can store 100,000 volts of energy is not to be trifled with.

4. Poliwrath

            Water-types are a dime a dozen in the Pokemon Universe so you have to diversify when choosing one. I’m pretty sure that if Mr. T had a pet frog that it would look very similar to Poliwrath. Who wants to mess with a creature that not only could punch your lights out but also drown you in a jet of high-focused water? Not me. Not Mr. T either for that matter.

5. Alakazam

            He can bend not one, but two spoons at once with only his mind. Well either that or he has really powerful thumbs. Everyone wanted to have Alakazam but no one wanted to put up with having to actually capture an Abra who would use Teleport before you could even use a Pokeball. And then there was that whole annoying fact that the Abra only knew Teleport, so to get him any experience you would have to trade him out every battle to get him any experience. I guess the annoyances are outweighed by the rewards thought because dang does Alakazam clean house. Like he’s as legendary as you can get without being legendary.

6. Gengar

            How many little kids had nightmares about Gengar? I mean I didn’t, I’m just wondering who did. The creepiest thing to come out of the Pokemon games, Gengar was awesome just because a lot of attacks just go right through him. How can you not bring that to your team? Okay now I want you to look at this picture:

Gengar are dead Clefables! Yeah it blew my mind too.